Living In The Chaos
Its been pretty hectic lately. Between almost kidnappings and con men and death, amidst the aftershocks of more death, anxiety, wack roommates, and a general sense of uneasiness, i feel like there is no where to escape to. If anything, my escape right now is keeping on with school, and the promise of whatever is in my future in the next 3 years, as long as i put in the work. On the topic of work and working, it's like im so close yet so far, but i knw how fast time flies and one day instead of the library, ill be sitting in some office actually getting paid a living wage. Last week I went for a walk to the beach, the harsh wind reminds me that i'm alive. Sometimes it feels like i am ia spectator in this world. "where are these people going?" "who are they?" "who am I?" I'll forget that i kind of exist, if that makes any sense, then i end up running into someone on the sidewalk which is a very firm reminder that i do in fact exist, stupid. But back to the beach, the wind and little urban escape reminds me that i am alive. Especially now when it is still cold, walking up to the pier while the waves make me dizzy below and the wind makes my face hurt, its a very pleasant feeling in the moment despite the pain. It reminds me a lot of sailing, which I have been saying for a while now is my therapy. all the therapists i see feel like brick walls, maybe its the way i talk myself into a solution or what, but they sit there and just nod. they don't even ask me questions. SO whats the point of paying to tal to a huan brick wall if i can do the same with myself??? Contrarily, there is a feeling of necessity that embodies my thoughts when i am sailing. No matter how I feel physically or mentally, i am always much better after going out on the water. Sailing really sets up the perfect environment for self reflection. I go out there, set up the boat and make sure everything is right. I then harness the wind, and without the pollution of the world, we sail off to the horizon. If i do anything wrong during any of these steps, i will either have a realy expensive bill, end up in the hospital, or dead. There is no room for error or irationality, yet me and the crewmates are bonded emotionally for the entirety of the sail. Sitting out there, actively working while knowing that there are only 4 people around you while at the same time watching the bustle of the city behind you is an amazing sight and feel. I really am trying to describe why it's the best place for self reflection, but i can't put my finger on it. It's similar, and much healthier, to sitting around a campfire with a beer. It's a break from the chaos of the eyes and ears and of touch. All i have to see is the wind in the sails, and the heading on the compass. All I have to hear is the sound of the wind. All I have to feel is the wind in both ears to know where it's coming from. And physically, it's the best realistic attempt to run away from the chaos of everything that exists back on land. THis chaos I can best compare to the intense heat I feel when trying to cross LSD from Monroe Harbor. Its the gross embodiment of millions of people and cars of which I just escaped from, and announcing my rentry to everything good and bad. The chaos. I find the good and the bad in it, but lately it's just been ¯\(°_o)/¯ and (｡•́︿•̀｡). I've been saying it'll get better for ongoinga year now, but i'm still optimistic. Just one day at a time.
